Oscar for Baddast Kitteh
This is what started it
This morning, Rowser and Feydeaux were nowhere to be found. Two empty dog baskets. Two discarded collars. Pinned to the bag of kibble, a note:
‘Oscar for Kitteh.
Then doggehs return.’
All that cooing and gushing over Uggy in The Artist was just asking for trouble, people. Some idiots even said he deserved an Oscar, for Chrissakes. It was playing with fire. Bound to stir up tensions. You dog lovers had your fun, but it’s my pups who have to pay the price.
The deal is simple. They’ve supplied the short list. I do the text. If it all goes as planned, this can all be settled peacefully. Negotiation is useless. We’re dealing with powers beyond our control. Evil entities for who chuckle with cold amusement at the concept of mercy. Please believe me when I say that I had no choice.
So here they are: the nominees for Baddast Kitteh.
The Cat From Outer Space
All cat owners have long suspected – usually as they find themselves serving Mr Fluffy his evening snack of liver pate with a garnish of caviar – that felines are not from planet Earth at all, but actually an alien species capable of mind control. TCFOS amply confirms this suspicion. He is not only the possessor of a pimped-up collar, he is in reality a furry container for a species of intelligent lobster from the planet Quork. Don’t believe me? Next time you try to get your cat to play with that expensive geegaw you bought from the pet store, note the cool superior expression of amusement it has on his face as it rejects your pathetic advances. That’s not just Baddass, that’s Alien Baddass.
‘Oscar for Kitteh.
Then doggehs return.’
All that cooing and gushing over Uggy in The Artist was just asking for trouble, people. Some idiots even said he deserved an Oscar, for Chrissakes. It was playing with fire. Bound to stir up tensions. You dog lovers had your fun, but it’s my pups who have to pay the price.
The deal is simple. They’ve supplied the short list. I do the text. If it all goes as planned, this can all be settled peacefully. Negotiation is useless. We’re dealing with powers beyond our control. Evil entities for who chuckle with cold amusement at the concept of mercy. Please believe me when I say that I had no choice.
So here they are: the nominees for Baddast Kitteh.
The Cat From Outer Space
All cat owners have long suspected – usually as they find themselves serving Mr Fluffy his evening snack of liver pate with a garnish of caviar – that felines are not from planet Earth at all, but actually an alien species capable of mind control. TCFOS amply confirms this suspicion. He is not only the possessor of a pimped-up collar, he is in reality a furry container for a species of intelligent lobster from the planet Quork. Don’t believe me? Next time you try to get your cat to play with that expensive geegaw you bought from the pet store, note the cool superior expression of amusement it has on his face as it rejects your pathetic advances. That’s not just Baddass, that’s Alien Baddass.
And after you feed me the smoked salmon, I'm going to vomit on your carpet, then watch while you clean it up.
Puss in Boots
OK, he’s had his troubles. The weight gain. The brawls with the paparazzi. The rumors of substance abuse. He and Charlie Sheen are close personal friends and the story goes that Micky Rourke found his cosmetic surgeon through PiB’s recommendation. But when he keeps those demons in check, no one is any match for his rapier wit and dashing swordplay. And speaking of swords, yes, he was named in the paternity suit filed by Duchess from the Aristocats. ‘She was the finest piece of ass I ever had,’ he purred when asked for his reaction. Baddaaaaasss!
OK, he’s had his troubles. The weight gain. The brawls with the paparazzi. The rumors of substance abuse. He and Charlie Sheen are close personal friends and the story goes that Micky Rourke found his cosmetic surgeon through PiB’s recommendation. But when he keeps those demons in check, no one is any match for his rapier wit and dashing swordplay. And speaking of swords, yes, he was named in the paternity suit filed by Duchess from the Aristocats. ‘She was the finest piece of ass I ever had,’ he purred when asked for his reaction. Baddaaaaasss!
They tried to make me go to rehab but I said...
The Cheshire Cat
Want to know the reason behind that smile?
Want to know the reason behind that smile?
Cheech and Chong attempt a career relaunch
Psychedelic drugs.The stuff that makes you think you’re an eagle and run around making squawking noises or realize that Liberace was actually the Son of God or that the secret of the Universe is contained in the recipe for Aunt Sara brownie mix.
Yeah, that stuff.
Back in the 60s, when Hunter S Thomson and Alan Ginsberg were unleashing their creativity by absorbing truckloads of product, the Cheshire Cat was sitting on the next beanbag, a big fat doobie in his paw. If Baddast equates to Stonedast, then this Kitteh is a shoo-in for the prize.
Joey from War Horse
He might look like a horse, but Joey is actually a puppet worked from inside by a Siamese called Chew-Toi. See, the Kittehs have guessed that they’re never going to win that statuette while they look like cats, because of that darn image problem they have – all calculating and ambitious like Madonna only furry. Horses, like dogs, are different. They get to be noble and do lots of acting and be directed by Spielberg. The Kittehs won’t sink to pretending to be dogs, but if it means getting on that red carpet they can tolerate the idea of hooves and a mane. If it wasn’t for all that poop, the plan would be perfect.
Yeah, that stuff.
Back in the 60s, when Hunter S Thomson and Alan Ginsberg were unleashing their creativity by absorbing truckloads of product, the Cheshire Cat was sitting on the next beanbag, a big fat doobie in his paw. If Baddast equates to Stonedast, then this Kitteh is a shoo-in for the prize.
Joey from War Horse
He might look like a horse, but Joey is actually a puppet worked from inside by a Siamese called Chew-Toi. See, the Kittehs have guessed that they’re never going to win that statuette while they look like cats, because of that darn image problem they have – all calculating and ambitious like Madonna only furry. Horses, like dogs, are different. They get to be noble and do lots of acting and be directed by Spielberg. The Kittehs won’t sink to pretending to be dogs, but if it means getting on that red carpet they can tolerate the idea of hooves and a mane. If it wasn’t for all that poop, the plan would be perfect.
I has carrot?
Blofeld’s Cat
This Kitteh is so Baddass he doesn’t even have a name. He doesn’t need one. This Kitteh isn’t just a cat, he’s a brand. Give him a grey suited lap and a stroking hand and you’re all set for a speech about secret weapons and mass destruction and who’s-the-clever-one-now-Mr-Bond?? He’s even been franchised out to movies as diverse as Enter The Dragon and Austin Powers. Damn – this Kitteh has range. He’s also the master mind behind the kidnapping. Who else could it be?
This Kitteh is so Baddass he doesn’t even have a name. He doesn’t need one. This Kitteh isn’t just a cat, he’s a brand. Give him a grey suited lap and a stroking hand and you’re all set for a speech about secret weapons and mass destruction and who’s-the-clever-one-now-Mr-Bond?? He’s even been franchised out to movies as diverse as Enter The Dragon and Austin Powers. Damn – this Kitteh has range. He’s also the master mind behind the kidnapping. Who else could it be?
I prefer my laps upholstered in beige actually
There, it’s done. I’ve mailed a copy to every AMPAS member. All I can do now is wait until tonight and hope they understand what’s at stake. If not…well…I don’t want to think about that. I checked the kitchen cupboards and the sausage maker is missing.
Let’s pray that’s just a coincidence…
Let’s pray that’s just a coincidence…
